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Crystal Ball - Keane
This morning, I thought: “maybe one day, everything will all make sense.”
“Everything” as in the events of the past couple of months, my life, and yeah, myself.
It’s a complete ghost town on campus this weekend because everyone went home. So seeing as I’ve gotten very limited social interaction this weekend, it only makes sense that I’ve done a lot of thinking.
It’s been really hard for me to shake off the pessimism that envelops me when my guard is down. And let me tell you— my guard is down a lot. I find myself saying out loud often:
“Get out of my head.”
And it can be a number of things. It could be him. It could be the ANTs. [Automatic Negative Talk, as my AP Literature teacher liked to call it in high school.] But whatever it is, it’s affecting me in a really bad way, and I’m sick of it.
I’ve realized recently that I really love the movie (500) Days of Summer. It’s become one of my absolute favorites, and for a while I couldn’t put my finger on it. Why do I like it so much? It reminds me so much of a past friendship that I still let haunt me in my solitary hours. It practically rubs salt into those scars.
But I love it. And after watching again tonight, I finally understand why. I take new things from it every time watch it. Things about life, and relationships. Not just romantic relationships, but friendships too.
I’ve been trying too hard. Way too hard. Too hard with my pursuit of a best friend, too hard with finding a boyfriend, and too hard with trying to make sense of it all.
When did I get so far from myself? I thought I’d finally found the core of who I really was. Obviously not. I need to step back.
“You weren’t wrong… you were just wrong about me.”
It’s time for me to let go. Of course, that’s easier said than done. But I have to do my best.
If there’s one thing my brother has taught me— and that’s not saying much because he’s taught me more than he could ever fathom— it’s that telling myself I’ll “try” to do something is like a default self-fulfilling prophecy. There’s trying, and then there’s doing.
So I’m going to do my best to let go and move on. Life doesn’t have to be this complicated, and I know it.
Time for me to fly again.
